I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
