Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
