I think i peed on brittanys purse
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
