the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
