I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
