i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
