Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
