I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
