I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
