he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i've created a new STD.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
