i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
