The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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