Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
