Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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