I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
