just come out here and I will go home with you...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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