Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
