no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
They have beer where we have blood.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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