Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
