Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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