those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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