The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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