You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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