I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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