We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
