your parents love me but you hate me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
