Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
