I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
