well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
