Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
