once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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