I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
