life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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