we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
