you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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