just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
