So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
