I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize