did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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