The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
