I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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