TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize