if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
