Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
