I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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