I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
