now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
