You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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