you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
