i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
