Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize