I wish I could teleport
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
