Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
