I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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