Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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