I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
