Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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