Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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