I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Success! We fucked roommates!
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