So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
